I Quit!

I quit smoking this morning. I have been an ex-smoker now for about six hours. Anyone who has quit before or attempted to would appreciate that I'm already proud of myself although it has been less than a day...

Last week I woke up with a shallow cough. Eric has had the same cough (and he is not a smoker, nor has he ever been), so I know logically that it had something to do with the weather changing and not smoking, but I decided that day that I want to quit. That was a huge step for me, you see, because I loved smoking. I smoked for eleven years, a pack per day, and loved it.

I quit once before, about a year and a half ago for a month, but got right back into it. This time I am absolutely not letting myself have even one because it is just way too hard to stick to it after slipping up. This time I am trying not to obsess over the thought of smoking like last time. Right now, I'm focusing on how good I will feel when I don't have to use any nicotine lozenges and I'm completely done with it. I've decided to have the mindset that smoking is disgusting and that I'm a stronger person than someone who allows a chemical to dictate my actions!

I remember last year sometime I told Donny that since it's supposedly harder to kick cigarettes than it is to kick heroin that he should be able to do it since I quit smoking before. then he said something to the effect of "well you smoke again now so you can't say that", and he was right! So he is my #1 motivation. I also like when people tell me I can't do it, so I can show them that I can! Anyways, I'm excited. Smoking has been such a huge part of my life, it's gonna be rough, but I know what to expect. last time I thought it would be a hell of a lot harder than it was, so at least this time I'm not disillusioned into thinking I'm going to go absolutely nuts. I really like this:

• In 20 minutes, your blood pressure and pulse rate decrease, and the body temperature of your hands and feet increase.
• Carbon monoxide in cigarette smoke reduces the blood’s ability to carry oxygen. At 8 hours, the carbon monoxide level in your blood decreases to normal. With the decrease in carbon monoxide, your blood oxygen level increases to normal.
• At 24 hours, your risk of having a heart attack decreases.
• At 48 hours, nerve endings start to regrow and the ability to smell and taste is enhanced.
• Between 2 weeks and 3 months, your circulation improves, walking becomes easier and you don’t cough or wheeze as often. Phlegm production decreases. Within several months, you have significant improvement in lung function.
• In 1 to 9 months, coughs, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease as you continue to see significant improvement in lung function. Cilia, tiny hair-like structures that move mucus out of the lungs, regain normal function.
• In 1 year, risk of coronary heart disease and heart attack is reduced to half that of a smoker.
• Between 5 and 15 years after quitting, your risk of having a stroke returns to that of a non-smoker.
• In 10 years, your risk of lung cancer drops. Additionally, your risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas decrease. Even after a decade of not smoking however, your risk of lung cancer remains higher than in people who have never smoked. Your risk of ulcer also decreases.
• In 15 years, your risk of coronary heart disease and heart attack in similar to that of people who have never smoked. The risk of death returns to nearly the level of a non-smoker.

-- http://www.highlighthealth.com/diseases-and-conditions/smoking-cessation-timeline-what-happens-when-you-quit/

So already the carbon monoxide levels in my blood are almost back to normal! The body is a really amazing thing, bouncing back from abuse.

Gonna go now, but I'll be updating this thing in time to let you all know how I've been doing as a non-smoker!

Danielle

Welcome to 2010

Well I haven't kept this up at all lately and that sucks because I've got a lot to say and I'm always thinking, and writing would make me feel great...but then again, that's just how I am--putting everything off. I haven't been to the gym in like 2 months and that's just another thing I'm neglecting to do. ugh!

Anyway, it's a new year and a new decade and I'm really glad that 2009 is over finally. I did have the best day of my life in 2009 (finally finished college and got engaged), but overall the year wasn't great. I lost my dog that was the love of my life...and I felt as though I was running in a hamster wheel, just doing the same thing over and over again. It was like I was in a rut where I would wake up (late), piddle around the house, get ready and go to work, then come home and drink some wine to get to sleep because I can't stop my mind from thinking about how much more money I need to make to feel comfortable and not anxious.

Although in May I no longer had to stress about tests or papers, new stress was added to my plate--how I was going to make enough to support us while Eric went to school full time, how I would ever save money for a wedding while my student loans entered the repayment period, finding a real job in the worst economic situation of my lifetime, and deciding what to be when I grow up...although I'm already older than the vast majority of those who graduated with me. So I decided to take the LSAT to see how well I would do and possibly go to law school since a B.A. didn't open doors for me the way I had hoped. I did better than average, but not outstanding because I could not afford a KAPLAN course...

It was hard to not feel that I was stuck in a rut. So this year I'm refusing to feel that way! A couple of months ago I went to Verizon to get a customer service position for a second job so I could feel more financially secure. The people who interviewed me asked if I would be interested in a leadership development program which was basically a fast track to management for recent college graduates. Of course I'd be interested! The only catch was that I would have to be willing to relocate after the 18-month training period. Eric was stoked about the idea and I agreed to start the interviewing process. It's a really great opportunity, something that would take at least five years to achieve if I had started at entry level and worked my way up.

So I interviewed...in November, and then December, and then last week. I felt like my chances were slim because I have no experience outside of restaurants, but I was hopeful. And then yesterday I got the call...I was hired! I am so excited to start! This will be my first opportunity at a real career and I am so thankful for it working out. I feel like I finally got a big break and I'm not taking it for granted. The benefits are great, and they will pay for me to go on to get a Master's if I want to. I hope to move to Washington state (which is perfect for Eric's aspirations of becoming a computer engineer).

New year and a new career and new start! I will continue to work at the restaurant one day per week for extra cash that will go right into a separate account for the wedding. What a relief! I no longer have to hope to make enough to keep my bills current. I have never had security like that, ever.

This year I will stay positive and keep pushing myself to achieve great things. I believe that each day can be a great day if I decide it will be a great day. It still hasn't hit me that I no longer am required to work a job that makes me feel less than human and unworthy of a better life. Positivity is key and I can't forget that. I am so thankful for God giving me a chance to better my situation!

Wrote this for a love story contest...just sharing!

My father passed away when I was 18 years old. We hadn’t been close in some time, as teenage girls often pull away from their parents during those coming-of-age years. The last time I saw him alive he was in an emergency room with some ten frantic doctors hovering over him trying their best to revive him, but I knew it was too late. I knew that he would be gone, and that the man who was supposed to be my protector was headed to heaven. My first thought, literally, was “who will walk me down the aisle?” Hysterical, I only pulled myself together went I felt a warmth around me that ensured me everything would be alright. It was God telling me that my Dad was finally going to be better.

Years have passed, and after a lot of anger I finally forgave my father for dying so early. It may sound strange, but I feel that he and I have a better relationship now than we ever did when he was alive. My mother took it hard. She lost weight that she couldn’t afford to lose and cried herself to sleep every single night for over a year. Holidays proved to be the worst, as without my Dad to arrange the events they would not be the same. I tried to keep his traditions going for some time by buying tons of Christmas gifts or hundreds of dollars of fireworks, but our family soon accepted that those days would be different, and that different was alright.

I had my share of bad relationships, and I know Dad was there to ensure that I was a strong woman who would walk away from them. In fact, two nights before a boyfriend turned violent, he came to me in a dream and warned me to get away. It was only in hindsight that I realized that these dreams were truly messages from him.

Eric and I met while working together about three years ago. I was apprehensive about him meeting my family, as we are quite a peculiar bunch. What I most worried about was that he did not judge me because of my brother, who chose a life filled with drugs and crime. I was embarrassed! I sent him a text across the table where my family all had gathered that said “I hope you don’t run away because of my family”, and he replied, “I’m gonna love you forever”. That was when I knew he was different.

I went back to school to finish my degree shortly after we got together. I had taken a ‘short break’ when my Dad passed, which turned into many years off. During school Eric helped me tremendously with bills. Not only bills, he surpassed any expectations I had of him, by becoming the man of the family. As both of my brothers live in other states, Eric has helped my mother and I in so many ways. He is the handyman, the oil-changer, the heavy lifter, the security giver, and the provider for us both…he has filled a void that only a man can fill without my even asking. He and my mom have a great relationship, unlike any ‘man’ I had dated in the past.

On May 16th I finally graduated college. It was a bittersweet feeling sitting in my cap and gown at the ceremony because it was my Dad’s 59th birthday that day. It hit me hard when grads spoke about how their parents were so proud of them. I must have held back tears fifteen times in those two hours as I remembered seeing my Dad in the stands at my high school graduation. His seat was now empty and no one could fill it. I told Eric when we stopped for breakfast after the ceremony to warn my loved ones to “not bring him up” because it was a hard day for me.

I had a great graduation party following, where family from all over and friends came to celebrate with me. Nothing could top off the feeling of having so many loved ones around me. I never celebrate for myself, and I finally accomplished something that I worked at for eight years! And then Eric made the day even better. He proposed to me in front of all of my friends and family, on bended knee. It was surreal. On my Dad’s birthday, on my graduation day, he did it! It was the best day of my entire life.

We plan to be married on May 16th, 2010--my Dad’s 60th birthday. I know that he approves, because Eric has proved himself to be the strong man that I never realized I needed. My Dad sent me a man who takes care of me and my mother, who loves to celebrate holidays and family in a big way just like him, who would do anything for those he loves. I cannot wait until our families are joined officially. I am living my fairy tale.

P.S. - I’m pretty sure my Dad will be there to walk me down the aisle after all.

Planning a Wedding Never Dreamed Of

I've been engaged for two months as of today, and initially wanted to just run to Vegas and get the thing done. I've never been one of those girls who dreamed of the fairytale wedding and planned every detail before I had found my groom. I am very simple, and extremely cheap! Why would I ever plan a day then, that would set me and my husband-to-be back thousands of dollars? Sounds like the wrong foot to start off a marriage on...according to me anyway!

Eric is a tightwad as well, so we get along great. (lol) But unlike me, he is very close to his very large family. Surely I have my mom, brother, an aunt and a grandma who I speak to daily, but aside from that handful, my family and I are quite distant. If I were given the task to name my cousins off the top of my head I couldn't even do that. So when I yelled "we're going to Vegas!" ten minutes after the ring went on my finger, I saw him cringe.

So I decided that a marriage, like any relationship, is a series of compromises. I would plan the big day, when his 15 aunts and uncles and 20 cousins would all gather to see our exchanging of vows. Also, he had his heart set on a Hawaiian honeymoon...and I hate the beach. I'm a city girl! I'd much rather go to New York City and experience the big apple after our wedding....but again, I "compromised". Maybe I'll love 'paradise' when I get there??

In true Danielle fashion, I had to begin planning and budgeting right away. I went out the next morning with my closest girlfriends to try on dresses. I thought I had found it! Two months later I have changed the dress twice...

I couldn't sleep for three weeks at least. How in the world would we be able to scrape up the money for this big party? That question is still unanswered. Wouldn't this money better be spent on paying off our credit cards and starting our life together debt free? I still think it would.

I chose seven bridesmaids initially. I could leave none of my best friends out! One has since 86'd herself from my life, along with the flower girl. Now I have six, a great number, who will be standing alongside me. But I feel like a bridezilla nagging my fiance to choose who will be standing next to him. I have a list of who I think he should pick to round out his six, but he is apprehensive about committing to these men because some of them have been less than reliable in the past...But I am offended that he has yet to ask them to be in our wedding. I question his reasoning, but he isn't budging. Ahhhh!!

He says that I can plan the whole thing and he will go along with whatever I'd like, but that is exactly what is NOT happening! He wants big, springtime, local, Hawaii, mismatched bridal party; I want small, winter/fall, Vegas, New York, matching bridal party numbers...

I hope he can compromise for me a little bit. As for now, I am rolling with the punches and just working in little jabs about how he is getting his way on everything. Writing this now, though makes me realize that I need to put my foot down on something. Maybe it shouldn't be who stands on his side though.

I did choose the ceremony and reception sites...with him. Luckily we found places that are affordable AND beautiful. When he insisted on spring, I chose the spring date to fall on my late father's birthday, which he went along with without any fight. So in a roundabout way I am getting my way. I just don't want to turn into an overbearing bride who is controlling, but since he wants to invest so much effort and money, I don't want it to be ghetto!

Any advice on how to approach my love about why he should *compromise* on his groom's men? (All I really want is for him to add ONE mutual friend of ours-whose wife is already standing on my side)

D